I’m sitting here with my legs stretched out, have been in this same spot all day – surfing the web, sleeping, watching television, eating. This is after a week of rigorous routine, up at 4 am – either to the gym or up doing work. Then rushing to get ready for a 12 hour day at work. Rush to get home, feed and clean up after my pets, then about an hour of free time until I collapse into a sleep from sheer exhaustion. Every evening I feel the agonizing plea of my body to let it rest, it’s a painful feeling, so I give up the struggle to have an extra hour of wakefulness to do something for myself – like write and instead I sleep, it’s rest for my body as it recovers. I’ve always known that the body has to recover. Fortunately, I don’t have insomnia. I can’t imagine what that’s like.
So, today I was good to my body. Whereas I would have ordinarily gotten up to go to the gym, and spent almost two hours doing cardio and weight training. I kept my ass in bed. Who would ever think that is healthier? I rebelled today. Forget routine – the routine I created to balance myself for survival’s sake. It’s what is supposed to work best for me at this time in my life.
As you can probably guess, I don’t have a spouse or children. Oh God, he must have known. Like they say, God never gives you more than he thinks you can handle. There’s no way I could raise children. As much as I wanted them, the person I am at this time could not do it. I would be a different person totally if I had a spouse and children. Sometimes I wish I had them, but those thoughts are fleeting at best.
Somehow, I will create a new balance. But in order to do that I must be more commanding over people as well as myself. I know that my day is so long because I allow people to command my time. If they want to talk to me, although I have a lot of work to do, I let them. Because I don’t want to be rude. They are happy and jolly and chatty, and… I don’t want to burst their bubble. But, I end up paying the price at the end of the day. Sometimes it’s me that’s being chatty, it’s like a break for me, but then I leave work late. So…, I am going to create that new balance. It’s gonna mean keeping a hold on the steering wheel and leaving the engine running and not park it to let other people waste my time. I gotta be a bit antisocial, all for the sake of getting out on time.
All so that later on I can write.