Look, I’ve been several years in the making. While you’ve been out there indulging in all kinds of juicy fat crap you must realize your body cannot handle, I (let me repeat) I was the one who took on the job of storing that stuff.
You’re 45 now. Your slim and trim body is no more. If you want it back, you’re going to have to work for it. And let me just give it to you straight – it’s going to be virtually impossible to lose me. Nature is on my side, baby. Your young metabolic rate, is no longer. Ha ha, sorry baby. You think I’m kidding? Look at the people your age and older, you’ve got a lot of company.
Don’t feel too badly. I mean, you’ve been just trying to live and enjoy life. I understand. Although, I will admit, you did eat an inordinate amount of ice cream. Was that you who was eating those burgers, fries, soda, and blizzards week after week from Dairy Queen? Remember those root beer floats we enjoyed. And all those peanut M&M’s — you should be ashamed of yourself.
Well, while you moved on, I had to be the one to work on that stuff.
You can go to the gym all you want. (that treadmill gives me a run for my money, though, but any eating you do helps me out.)
Eat healthy all you want. You are going to pretty much have to become a vegetarian and cut out starches to get rid of me. You and I both know you can’t do it.
You crave starch so badly, you scurry around like a desperate farm bird looking for a cracker. Don’t torture yourself like that, girl!
And your young coworkers. They are my buddies. They keep offering you their cookies, home-baked breads, and chocolate. How much longer can you hold out? (laughing) I see you struggling to keep your hands out of the dish. Hang in there! Yesterday you gave in, because they put it right on your desk. Boy, was I drooling. Thanks for eating it, I was beginning to shrivel a bit. Don’t get excited, that’s only temporary. Any bit of calories can pump me back up.
Hey, how ’bout those sweet potato fries at Burger King. Their timing is perfect. We know how you crave sweet potato anything. I knew you wouldn’t be able to pass that place up forever. It was just a matter of time. I know you wrote off fast food a year ago and you lost all that weight. But, hey, I didn’t go anywhere. I’m still here….!!!!! Your face got thinner and your arms are less flabby, but not me.
I’m going to continue to bust buttons, baby. So keep draping those oversized sweaters and stuff over me. And cramping me up with that spandex shaper stuff. You’re embarrassed of me, I know. And you know that s— hurts my feelings. No matter, you still have to look at me when you’re at home in the mirror.
Give it up. I ain’t going nowhere. Just enjoy the rest of your life. Let’s live happily ever after together. Diabetes? You want to prevent that you say? Stop whining. You know that’s gonna take some work. You willing? Alright, …. you want to continue on with the fight?
BRING IT ON!!!! (wicked laughing)